Category: Humor for the Week

Today’s Word Is SHARED

It’s Humor Day!
Fri-May-15-2020

First some pastoral humor …

A pastor visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. “Mind if I have a few?” he asks.

“No, not at all!” the woman replies.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. “I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” the woman says. “I can’t eat peanuts anyway. Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them.”

Oops.

And now for my word … SHARED …

The Apostle Paul said: Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. (Romans 12:15)

The word “shared” makes all the difference. It increases our joy and reduces our sorrow.

I spent too many years keeping my difficulties and sorrows to myself. There are others around us that don’t mind sharing our load a little bit. And there are certain friends and family who not only don’t mind being supportive – they really want to share our load, because they care.

Jesus said: Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matthew 5: 4)

Do you resist letting others share in your sorrows? I’ve had church members in the past who didn’t want anyone to know when they went into the hospital or had difficult burdens, such as wayward children, lost jobs, or financial struggles. Something in our culture and in human nature resists telling others the difficulties we face. But God is not pleased in our secretiveness. If we desire for the love of God to come in and bless us, then we must change our approach – listen to others’ burdens that we may lighten their load – and share our burdens that others may lighten ours.

As for shared joys, I find it interesting that when people in church are asked to share their prayer concerns, joys, and sorrows, it is likely that there will be ten concerns shared, and then a silence. Everyone is having a hard time thinking of some good news to share – anything that would make us smile or shout for joy. I wish I had a catchy phrase to explain how to overcome this. I think our culture in general, and our churches in particular, have a hard time experiencing true joy.

The 23rd Chapter of Leviticus is entitled, “Feasts of the Lord.” And God says, “These are My feasts” – Sabbath, Passover, the Feast of Firstfruits, the Feast of Weeks, the Feast of Trumpets, the Day of Atonement, and the Feast of Tabernacles – seven in all. The routines of the working world were set aside for many days, and celebration took place. There were serious days, yes, but then there was dancing, singing, storytelling, and thankfulness for the goodness of God.

 It is sad that the church over the centuries has lost much of the celebratory spirit of the faith. God wants us to know how to have a good party – where joy and laughter abound, where God is at the center while his people enjoy the life he has given.

Sharing our joys and sorrows as Christians means acknowledging that God is right there in the middle of it all – he is the giver of good gifts that bring joy, and he is our comfort in times of sorrow. Sharing it with one another multiplies the blessings and divides the sorrows.

Blessings,

Chaplain Mark

Today’s Word Is LOVED

It’s Humor Day!
Fri-May-8-2020

Do any of these sound familiar?

THE TOP 13 THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

#13 – She taught me about how to become an adult … “If you don’t eat your vegetables, it will stunt your growth, and you’ll never grow up.”

#12 – She taught me about logic … “Because I said so, that’s why.”

#11 – She taught me about foresight … “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

#10 – She taught me about irony … “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

#9 – She taught me about contortionism … “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck.”

#8 – She taught me about endurance … “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

#7 – She taught me about  the weather … “This room of yours looks like a cyclone went through it.”

#6 – She taught me about hypocrisy … “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

#5 – She taught me about appreciation … “There are millions of children around the world who are starving, so eat your supper and appreciate it.”

#4 – She taught me about anticipation … “Just wait until your father gets home.”

#3 – She taught me about medical sciences … “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

#2 – She taught me about ESP … “Put your jacket on. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

#1 – She taught me about prayer … “You’d better pray that Kool-Aid stain comes out of the carpet!”

Actually, my mom only used a few of those on me and my four siblings. We had a good home and parents who loved us, took good care of us, guided us, and carried us to church every Sunday. (Of course, our Dad was the pastor, LOL). Mom passed away 17 years ago, and we all miss her still. Even in the later years of her life, she had a great smile, loved to play card games with the family, was proud of her children, and sang in the church choir as long as she could.

One description of Christian parenting tells us that the primary role of the father is protection, and of the mother affection. For instance, in Paul’s letter to Titus, he tells the older women to “admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children …” (Titus 2:4)

Generally, we expect our mother to love us above all others. It is natural. So, think of protection and affection this way. If a child falls down and bruises their knee, or even just bruises their pride, who would they typically run to? Mom. She kisses it and makes it better, comforts the child, and tenderly takes care of the hurt.

On the other hand, suppose the family is strolling through the shopping mall and a loud gunshot startles everyone. What would the child be likely to do? Grab Dad’s leg with both arms and hold on tight. I know this is a generalization, but the point is these are situations where a child has an urgent need and God has designed parents to meet those needs.

Neil Anderson, author of Who I Am in Christ and other books, says that there are three basic human needs … acceptance, security, and significance … and he lists the many Scriptures describing how God meets each one. Parents imitate God for the young child by providing these needs. You can see how the combination of a mother and father helps the child to feel accepted as a person and safe from outside harm. Obviously, mothers and fathers both do some of each of these, according to their gifts and the needs of the child.

Each of us emerged from childhood with some degree of these things. From there on we allow God to finish the work that our parents started. The purpose of parenting IS NOT to raise children from dependence to independence! It is to raise them from total dependence on their parents to total dependence on God!

Thank you. Lord, for those mothers who have helped us to feel loved and accepted.

Blessings,

Chaplain Mark

Today’s True Story … TRUCK EXCHANGE

Fri-May-1-2020
It’s Humor Day!

A certain preacher named Pastor Bungle was a bit “humor impaired,” but he really wanted to learn how to successfully tell a joke that came out right and everyone laughed. All his attempts had turned out poorly, as he would tell things in the wrong order or mess up the punch line.

He decided to attend a conference where pastors could learn better communication skills and public speaking tips. One speaker’s topic was “Using Humor Effectively.” Pastor Bungle paid close attention. The speaker began his talk with some humor to get the crowd’s attention. He opened by saying, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” – The crowd burst into laughter and the speaker then delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, Pastor Bungle decided he would give this humor thing a try, by starting out with the same attention-getting joke he had heard at the conference. Before the service he kept rehearsing the joke in his head. He was nervous.

Stepping up to the microphone he began confidently, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The congregation inhaled half the air in the room! Pastor Bungle was so shaken up by their reaction that he stood there frozen in silence for several seconds, trying to recall the second half of the joke.

He started over. “Yes friends, the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” … Long pause … “And for the life of me, I can’t remember who she was!”

Oops!

Today’s True Story … A new feature about the many people I have met, events I have witnessed, and stories I have heard.

In 2009, I became the host of a national radio program called “The Healing Touch,” which aired on XM & Sirius Satellite Radio, from midnight to 2:00 a.m., Monday through Friday. For the next few years, I spent over 1,000 hours on the air, chatting with people about growing in faith and praying with them about life’s problems. People in our world are so hungry for help from someone who will listen and give them wise biblical answers. The following is a true story from listeners who called in to the live talk show.

TRUCK EXCHANGE

Bubba and Alma received a word from the Lord to find a new trucking job. They were owner-drivers making long hauls. They were told that turning in their truck at the company office would cost them a lot of money, because there was presently no one to take it over. According to their contract, they would have to pay it off in full. But they felt the Lord’s hand in this, as they would get to mentor several people in their hometown, hold a home Bible study, and be a more regular part of their church.

After some prayer and assurance, they went to the office and turned in their keys. They were told to wait for information in the mail about how to pay off their truck. On their way out of the office they met a man coming in who asked if they were the ones with the truck outside. He wanted it! Thank you, Lord. Perfect timing. The company had told them they could lose a lot of money. But God sent the seller and the buyer on the same day at the same time and sold their truck for them before they got out the door! Interestingly, about the man they signed the truck over to … guess his name … hmmm … it was Bubba.

Have a good weekend, including rest, family, and worship,

Chaplain Mark

Today’s True Story … TEMPORARY SHOES

Fri-Apr-24-2020

A wealthy tycoon made arrangements with his attorney that at his death, all his fortune would be converted to gold bars and buried with him so he could take it to heaven.

Eventually the day came, and he arrived at the Pearly Gates with a huge moving truck. St. Peter said, “OK. This is unusual. What’s in the truck?”

The doors to the truck were swung open revealing thousands of gold bars, and St. Peter exclaimed, “Pavement! Thank you!”

Just a reminder that there are lots of “things” we accumulate in this life that have no eternal value. Jesus said, “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust consume and where thieves break in and steal; but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Today’s True Story … a new feature about the many people I have met, events I have witnessed, and stories I have heard.

In 2009, I became the host of a national radio program called “The Healing Touch,” which aired on XM & Sirius Satellite Radio, from midnight to 2:00 a.m., Monday through Friday. Using six incoming 800 lines, I chatted with people across North America about growing in faith and prayed with them about life’s problems. The following is a true story from listeners who called in to the live talk show.

TEMPORARY SHOES

Billie went shopping with her husband David, and they found a close-out bin with a pair of great shoes that fit David perfectly. He didn’t come shopping for shoes, and really didn’t need another pair, but they couldn’t pass up the deal. The next day, he went to work and wore them all day … best feeling shoes in a long time, name brand, first class, what a bargain. Then there was the man walking down the road as David drove home from work … a man wearing only one shoe. David stopped and the man explained his other shoe fell apart. David took his off and they fit the man perfectly. It made the man cry, and David drove away, the former owner of a temporary pair of bargain shoes. A God-designed encounter.

Have a safe and healthy weekend,

Chaplain Mark

Today’s Word Is HELPFUL

Fri-Apr-17-2020
It’s Humor Day

A guy named Darnell is at the Pearly Gates, next in line for a chat with St. Peter, and finally steps forward. St. Peter starts thumbing through the Book of Life to find his name. Darnell is worried that it is taking so long. Finally, St. Peter says, “Well, here you are! I found it! I see you are a faithful believer.”

“Yes sir, that’s right, born again, trusting in Jesus,” says Darnell. “And I am thankful to be here.”

St. Peter says, “I see lots of interesting stories in here about kind things you have done. You seem to have a great reputation for being helpful when people are in need. Tell me, what’s your most memorable story of helping someone in need?”

Darnell commences, “Well, probably the scariest moment of trying to help someone was the time when I came around a corner after dark in the city and there was a gang in the alley beating up an elderly gentleman. I just had to help him out. I grabbed an iron pipe on the ground, ran down the alley right into the middle of them. I walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. At that point, the gang members formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the pipe. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor innocent man alone, you slime! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!’”

St. Peter says, “Really? That sounds like a frightful situation. However, I do not see this story in the Book. When did this happen?”

 And Darnell says, “About five minutes ago.”

I hope you have a reputation for being helpful. In Chattanooga, we are not only dealing with the COVID-19 pandemic, but in the last few days we have the added tragedy of a series of tornadoes. Emergency Management says that over 1,000 structures were damaged, with 344 of those being completely destroyed. This amounts to approximately $300 million in damage, with 450 persons displaced from their homes and 2 known deaths in Hamilton County.

I am thankful for Nathan and Jason, who both have a reputation for being helpful and who responded with generator power. There are hundreds more like them out there helping one another recover from this destructive event.

It particularly pleases me to see the Christian community responding to these needs. Interestingly, the Thursday Bible Gateway verse of the day is … “Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.” (Romans 13:8)

Because we love one another, we help when there is a need.

Enjoy your weekend, including family, rest, and worship,

Yes, you can worship at home!

Chaplain Mark

Today’s Word Is KNOWLEDGE

Fri-Mar-27-2020
It’s Humor Day!

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands. The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn’t stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

“Here’s the problem,” the doctor said, “He needs to be changed!” The father was very perplexed, “But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!”

I’m pretty sure there are books somewhere about how to raise a child. I’m also sure that there are some parents who don’t know such materials exist, and others who wouldn’t read one even if it were laying on the coffee table. Lack of knowledge is a problem.

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also will reject you from being My priest. Since you have forgotten the law of your God, I also will forget your children. (Hosea 4:6)

According to research, 5% of Americans would be considered Bible-centered, meaning they interact with the Bible frequently, and it is transforming their relationships and shaping their choices. On the other hand, 46% would be classified as Bible-disengaged, having little or no Bible knowledge or interest. The other 49% lie somewhere in between.

Despite the abundance of biblical study materials and other books about growing in faith, many believers are poorly informed about the Bible or various principles of Christian living. Would it be safe to say about our world today that “my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge”?

And finally, were you astonished by the verse above in which God said, “Since you have forgotten the law of your God, I also will forget your children”? Well, since Hosea’s generation had rejected the knowledge of God, then the next generation’s hopes would seem to be even more bleak. God needed that present generation to wake up and repent so that their children could be taught.

I hope some of this has fanned your flame and encouraged you to dig in a little more. It has for me just in the process of writing this.

Have a blessed weekend,

Chaplain Mark

Today’s Word Is AGING

It’s Humor Day!
Fri-Mar-20-2020

OK … I know most of you are not as old as I am, so here is a taste of what’s coming. These are hymn titles for the aging …

Top 10 Hymns For Senior Citizens …

#10 – Precious Lord, Take my Hand, And Help Me Up

#9 – It is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

#8 – Nobody Knows the Trouble I have Seeing

#7 – Amazing Grace, Considering My Age

#6 – Just a Slower Walk With Thee

#5 – Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

#4 – Go Tell It on the Mountain, And Speak Up

#3 – Give Me that Old Timers Religion

#2 – Blessed Insurance

#1 – Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I’ve Forgotten Where I Parked My Car

Does anyone else identify? Or maybe you know someone who does … your mom, dad, grandparents? Whatever your age, growing older is not for wimps! Do you have the heart and wisdom to age gracefully?

As a pastor, I have seen my share of bitter senior citizens. They can tell you their long list of everything that ever went wrong, and all about their present level of dissatisfaction. But their joy has been stolen!

Thankfully there are many, many older folks who have a better outlook. We can learn a lot from those who have this spirit of love, encouragement, joy, and wisdom.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. (2nd Corinthians 4:16)

Throughout the ups and downs of life, I have found something positive about every stage and every age. I do my best to enjoy where and who I am now; and I look forward to the next age. I think that’s how God wants it to be. If we can laugh at ourselves at any age while still taking life seriously, we will find the joy God intended.

Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone. (Deuteronomy 34:7)

Have a blessed, restful, and joyful weekend,

Chaplain Mark

Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?” For it is not wise to ask such questions. (Ecclesiastes 7:10)

Today’s Word Is ATTIRE

It’s Humor Day!
Fri-Mar-13-2020

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were about to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were worn and a little ragged around the edges. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed in expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.” The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots and hat. Once again, he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”

“I did,” replied the old cowboy.

“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.

“Well, sir, God told me that he didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He said He’d never been in this church.”

If you’re looking for a church, find one where God is surely there. If he is, you will be welcomed by God’s people, regardless of your attire. The Bible will be taught and honored, and many will be carrying one. The love of God will flow in relationships. The life, teaching, miracles, death, and resurrection of Jesus will be openly proclaimed. The Holy Spirit will be at work changing lives. And mission work to bless those in need will be practiced. There is a praise chorus by Lanny Wolfe that goes like this …

Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place.

I can feel his mighty power and his grace.

I can hear the brush of angel’s wings,

I see glory on each face.

Surely the presence of the Lord is in this place.

Have a blessed weekend, including rest, family, and worship,

Chaplain Mark

Today’s Word is HEARS

It’s Humor Day!
Fri-Mar-6-2020

At the end of their third date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the evening, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?”

Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”

“Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”

“No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”

Out of the blue, the porch light comes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud, we’d all like to go back to sleep, so tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

Oops! I suppose in a moment like that, you would prefer not to be heard by everyone in the house!

It is good to know who is listening. And who is it that is always listening? God is.

“But know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself; the Lord hears when I call to him.” (Psalm 4:3)

This also means that he is always with you. Some will ask, “If God is always with me and always hears me, then why doesn’t he fix the things that bother me?” Life with God doesn’t work like that. He uses wisdom and timing to guide us. He wants us to grow, mature, and increase in wisdom and strength. Yet he does not want us to feel alone and unsupported.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Many of our relationships are like this. We want to be heard and to know that we are not alone. Most of the time what we really need is the presence and listening ear of others, not fixes.

Today, be glad that God always hears you and is always with you. His divine presence is the very thing we need the most.

Blessings!

Chaplain Mark

Today’s Word Is MISUNDERSTANDING … Plus Friday Humor

Fri-Feb-28-2020

Poor Leroy had fallen on hard times. He lost his job at the fertilizer plant, his wife had left him, his unemployment had run out, and he was evicted from his apartment. He packed what little he had in a knapsack, made a little sign that read “Will work for food,” and set off down the road on foot.

Toward the middle of the day, he came to a farmhouse. He was getting very hungry, and so he knocked on the front door. A woman answered, and Leroy explained his situation, and how he could do most anything and how hungry he was.

At first the woman wanted no part of Leroy, but he persisted. Finally she asked, “Can you paint?”

“Oh yes, ma’am,” Leroy said, “I sure can paint. I’ve done a lot of painting. Just let me show you.” The woman relented, found a can of paint and a brush and said, “You can go around back and paint the porch, and I’ll fix you some dinner.” Happily, Leroy went to work.

About 40 minutes later, Leroy appeared at the front door. “Are you finished so soon?” asked the woman. “Oh yes, ma’am,” said Leroy, “but I think you ought to know that it’s not a porch, it’s a Volvo.”

Misunderstandings can definitely create problems. I have dealt with many people who come to wrong conclusions about God because they do not understand his nature, his purposes, and his ways.

Isaiah tells us this about God’s “ways”: “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:9)

The Bible is best understood by someone who has made a commitment to Jesus as personal Savior. We make this profession of our faith based on our belief that God is a loving God, and that he provided a way for forgiveness, salvation, and freedom through the death and resurrection of his one and only Son, Jesus Christ. If ever there is a question about God’s ways and the events of our lives, we fall back on that basic belief, God is good and loving.

The story of Job in the Bible is one of suffering, as he loses his family and wealth, and thus falls into despair. How does anyone who experiences such tragedy interpret the ways of God? Well, in the process of trying to figure this out, Job has three friends who come with advice.

The first is Eliphaz (Job Chapter 4), who makes a long speech, essentially telling Job that he must be guilty of something because the innocent do not suffer such things. Job struggles with this idea, but contends that he can’t think of anything, and even if he could, it still doesn’t make sense. He wants to know why he was picked out for this.

Then comes Bildad (Job Chapter 8), who confounds Job further by asserting that God rewards good people, and therefore Job is mistaken about something. Job again mulls this over and is even more frustrated.

Finally, his friend Zophar (Job Chapter 11) gives Job a tongue-lashing rebuke, claiming all this happened because Job’s heart is not right with God.

Does any of this sound familiar? The problem with many people is that once something terrible and seemingly random strikes them, they abandon their basic assumption that God is good and loving, and has provided salvation, hope, forgiveness, and peace. Instead they assume that God is vengeful, capricious, and unfair.

To avoid adopting a misunderstanding of who God is and what he intends for us, we need to stick with that beginning assumption that brought us to Jesus. We should not come to the false conclusion that God does not love us. There must be another interpretation for the difficult events of life. We cannot let the enemy use them to lead us toward distrust and despair.

Ending today’s devotion this way seems to leave us hanging, with lots of questions for which a long discussion would be in order, but that is too much to cover today. Suffice it to say, in the long-run, sticking with our Father God, his Son the Savior, and the work of the Holy Spirit is the only approach that leads to life at its best … and certainly the only way that leads to life eternal. Like Job, we should continue the search and God will provide the answers.

Have a blessed weekend, including rest, family, and worship,

Chaplain Mark