I have suffered the loss of a dear pastor friend this past week, and two weeks before that, sat with a couple whose wedding I performed a year ago, as they suffered the loss of a child after 24 weeks of pregnancy. Death is not a fun subject, but it must be discussed at some point. I frequently deal with death and tragedy. It is heart-rending to sit with a mother whose son has just died from an overdose, or with a husband at the bedside of his wife who just took her final breath, or with a couple whose child expired before being born. Sometimes there just are no words, and the only thing to do is to be present and, if necessary, to remind folks that God is also present.
There are many people who haven’t prepared to deal with death and dying. All of us know that we will deal with it eventually – either the death of a loved one – or facing our own death. Medical personnel want to help us work toward healthy progress and avoid serious physical issues. But they also know that we must stay prepared for life-threatening emergencies. I have seen a trauma team assisting a patient while at the same time trying to help a friend or family member who faints, panics, freezes, or falls apart during emergency response. I have occasionally seen the same thing at funeral homes, where a room full of mourners contains a few who are screaming, arguing, or out of control.
There is a fine line here. Death brings out intense emotions. It is natural and normal. The question I am posing today is whether there is a way we can prepare ourselves for our own death or the death of another. My answer is “yes … sort of.”
The best and only method I know of that works is the faith method. My faith journey has involved going deeper and deeper into the love of God. Whenever I think I have figured out how much God loves me – it turns out there’s more. This creates a peace so profound that panic, stress, and anxiety can’t survive very well, because God is gradually removing the negative soil of fear that these hurtful emotions grow in and is replacing it with the fertile ground of his love, which tends to produce better fruit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
In my experience, people of the Christian faith (of which I am one), on average seem to handle death and tragedy better than those whose faith is non-existent or shallow at best. And those Christians who mature farther, who draw closest to God, and closest to healthy, sincere, wise, loving believers – in other words they are practicing their faith – these are the ones who do not panic or lose control when death is imminent or a reality. My siblings and I stood beside our father’s bed for the last few hours of his life. We sang his favorite hymns and told stories of his serious and humorous moments.
Can we be prepared? The reason that I said above – “yes, sort of” – is because even if we are mature and grounded enough to deal with various difficulties in life, death events still impact our emotions deeply. Tears are normal, loss is heavy sometimes. When a death occurs it is OK to say, “I was prepared, but I wasn’t prepared.”
It has been said of the statesman Hubert Humphrey that he “taught us how to live well, and he taught us how to die well.” To do so ourselves, we can affirm that God will be there for us in our time of need. If it is our own death, God can comfort us through it. If it is the death of another, we can receive assurance that God will hold us in our future, so that when a moment of loss comes, we don’t have to panic as if to conclude, “What am I going to do? I am lost. I can’t go on.” We may “feel” lost and unable to go on, but even though we may not want to go on past this loss, the Spirit will speak into our hearts that we can go on because of him.
“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)
I am thankful for readers who have ventured forward in faith and who help others make it through difficulties.
But, I also want to speak to someone who realizes that you are probably just treading water in the spiritual pool, someone who realizes that you probably aren’t prepared for handling tragedy, someone who needs to let God take you on a faith journey, sort of like a rafting adventure, to get out of the pool and into the river, to get tossed about a bit, to fall overboard a couple of times and experience God lifting you back into the boat, and thus learn that he will not let you sink. It’s an adventure in faith-building. If you are this person, hold tightly to God. If you know someone who is like this, encourage them to go deeper in faith and trust.
And later, when tragedy or death comes along, we will not panic. We will trust. Sadness, yes – destroyed, no.
“…If God is for us, who is against us? … Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? … No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, … nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:31 selections)
I’m living by faith, even in the worst moments!
Chaplain Mark