Today’s Word Is … BUILD

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” (1^st Thessalonians 5:11)

Suppose you have an area of your life where you want to “get better” or “get well.” You have been inspired by some person or event, perhaps a book you have read, a sermon you heard, a difficult experience you faced. You believe God is calling you higher, toward spiritual and emotional health, toward greater faith, deeper peace, higher joy.

So, being inspired you put better things into practice in your life. You start going back to church … or you quit a bad habit … or you apologize and fix a broken relationship … etc.

Then you discover that your choice to “get better” has caused some other person to have to adjust to the “new you.” That’s because all of us are part of a system of relationships. The basic ones are family connections, and some families are healthy to various degrees while others are perhaps slightly or severely dysfunctional. The same is true for friendships, co-workers, church family, or neighbors.

To the point … There is a theory in family systems that when one person improves, another person sometimes gets worse! That person begins to act out in negative ways. The more dysfunctional the family system, the more likely this is to happen. And why would someone get worse in response to your getting better?? … Because they want things to go back to the way they used to be. They have lost some feeling of importance perhaps. Their reaction is a temper tantrum of sorts.

Suppose, for instance, that you decide to start going back to church. And someone in your family tells you that “we always have family dinner at grandma’s house every Sunday at noon, and now you have messed that up! You’re causing a problem for the rest of us. See how selfish you are!” Any number of decisions could affect others in ways they resent.

They may even react so negatively that they become angry or spiteful. This behavior makes you think they are getting ready to wreck their life … or wreck your life … or damage the whole family. You consider abandoning your plan to improve your life and going back to the way things were. You say to yourself, “This was a bad idea. I had no idea so-and-so would be against it. I don’t want to hurt their feelings or lose their friendship, etc., etc.”

But you should consider that if you give up, you are in effect giving that person control over your life, even your faith life. You may realize that this person actually has control over the whole family system. They use their switching between good and bad behavior to manipulate and control everyone else.

Everyone’s situation is different, of course, but in general this is a time in your life to stick to it. If this is God-inspired, then you can go ahead with the plan, but also step up your love and encouragement of this person. Trust God for strength and believe that you will make it, and that the upset person will finally adjust, perhaps even improve just like you did.

As believers it is our job to encourage people in these situations and to build them up. So if someone is being bullied back into regression or belittled for trying to improve, it is our privilege and a command from the Word to “go to bat” for that person. Speak up. Offer encouragement.

And if you’re the one who needs the encouragement, a good thing you can do for yourself is to make it easy for others to support you, by being open. Don’t give up on the “better” things God is calling forth in you. He will provide a way for your future. Turn the naysayers over to God. He can help them better than we can anyway.

Blessings,

Chaplain Mark